census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
did you just send me my own nude
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
