Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You smell like stripper and shame
Ketchup is God's man juice
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
