I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
