I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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