I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i out mim tonsoeep
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
