They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
