She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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