Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
