I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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