Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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