i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
