your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We have started to decorate penises.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
