We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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