she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
