Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
