I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
