I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
