fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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