please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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