Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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