im about as happy as oj after his trial
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
