he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
