He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
