how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
