Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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