watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
