so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
