this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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