My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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