It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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