Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I need moral support for this bender
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
