Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
