Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
