Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
