Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dignity is for republicans.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
