he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
