Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
