i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I can't trust your balls anymore.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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