I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
