R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
