I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I cannot find my penis.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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