I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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