I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
