Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
