My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
