i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
