She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
