just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
