I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
