Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
