I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
