worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
