I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
